Attachment
Attachment describes the pattern and quality of connection a child has with his or her primary caregiver (since this is most often the mother, we will use that term throughout). Distinct from bonding, which describes the sense of connection a parent develops toward a child, attachment has to do with the relationship patterns and expectations from a child’s perspective. A child’s secure attachment to his mother—or other primary caregiver—is key to his long-term cognitive, physical, and social-emotional development. A secure attachment emerges out of consistent, reliable parenting that is responsive to a child’s cues, which are body signals that indicate needs, desires, intentions, and motivations. When a mother is able to keep a child’s mind in mind, particularly in times of distress, the pattern of relationship between parent and child is described as being “secure.” Neglect, illness, prolonged separation, unresolved trauma in a parent, or other disruptive circumstances are all factors that can lead to “insecure” or more anxious forms of attachment.
The interactive nature of this process between mother and child is understood to be co-regulatory, which means that the cues communicated between parent and child inform the response of the other. This can sometimes be tricky if the cues from either mother to child or child to mother are misunderstood or unclear due to the temperament of either person. In a relationship between a quiet, slow-to-warm child and an active, outgoing mother, for instance, the mother might hope for the child to join in a social situation more quickly than he is able, and the child might become overstimulated by his mother’s more energetic pace and expectations. In this scenario, however, the mother may be able to recognize this difficulty in the child and adapt to his needs, thereby allowing the child the comfort of being emotionally supported.
It’s important to remember that there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother. Noted pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother,” to express the notion that a child doesn’t need a perfect parent but rather an ordinary, devoted parent who makes mistakes but has the best of intentions and the ability to repair and reconnect. In this process of “rupture and repair,” a child learns that his relationship to his mother is resilient and flexible and so is he. He learns to trust in the security of the relationship.
See also:
Attachment Parenting Techniques
Mutual Regulation/Co-Regulation
Reflective Parenting Workshops
Mindful Parenting Groups