Mutual Regulation/Co-Regulation
Mutual regulation refers to the interactive rhythm of connection and disconnection that is communicated over time in the parent-child relationship. Both verbally and nonverbally, infants and children communicate their needs to their parents. Crying, for example, tells the mother that her child is hungry, wet, or cold, and she then responds to that need because the cries compel her to do so. Her understanding of the child’s needs is in part because of what is activated in her own system in response to what she has heard.
As the mother is able to calm the child, her own nervous system is also regulated. Sometimes there are mismatches in regulation. Some parents get frustrated or upset when they cannot understand their child’s cues. They may misread them and respond in a way that isn’t soothing to the child, or they may feel helpless and frustrated when they are unable to understand what the child needs. It has been suggested that some failures in this system compel the infant to develop self-regulatory skills for coping with prolonged interactive stress (Tronick, 2007). For example, if crying is activating in a way that the mother becomes frustrated, the system that is established between parent and child is disrupted and might lead to a feeling of disconnection. These ruptures are common and when followed by an effort to repair help the child develop resilience in order to manage the conflict, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that are inevitable in life.
As the relationship grows, and the parent learns to understand the child more and more, the child learns to trust that his or her needs will be met. In turn, children affect the environment, including their parents or caregivers, through their needs and responses. In this way, the child and parent are interdependent. The success of the child’s ability to self-regulate later on is related to the infants’ experience of clear, consistent, and responsive mutual regulation in the early years.
See also:
Attachment
Mentalization
Mindful Parenting Groups
Rupture and Repair
Reflective Parenting Workshops